- If the kids spill a little milk and I'm too lazy to get a paper towel, I wipe it up with my sleeve. Or my foot if I'm wearing a sock. Me too, and not just for milk. Of course, there is our dog who takes care of most things, but I also want to add that I often wipe my baby's milk-dribbled face with my hand.
- Sometimes when I don't know where a toy goes, I just throw it away. Especially doll clothes. We have a lot of naked dolls in our house. I definitely do this with random things I find in our house...
- Speaking of naked, sometimes I take pictures of my kids' tiny tushies because I know I'm going to miss them one day. If someone were to open up iPhoto on my computer, I'd be arrested for pedophilia. I can't say I've done this, but yeah the current climate is so weird about naked baby photos. It seems like it was much more unquestioned in the past. It's also the title of an early Ben Folds Five album.
- Last week I accidentally left the baby gate open and found my toddler standing at the top of the stairs just staring down them. I think he was there for about forty seconds before I showed up. OMG he could have tumbled down the stairs. I'm pretty sure my nephew has fallen down the stairs before. He's fine. Our stairs are blocked by a door that just has a cat door. We have to keep it closed so our dog won't go up there and eat cat shit from the litterbox.
- Sometimes when my daughter's not looking I bury her artwork at the bottom of the trash can. Especially when she's like "Here, Mommy, it's a snake," and I'm like no it's not, it's an F'ing line. Kids at school will give me coloring sheets they have colored, and I have started telling them I can't take them. Sometimes they still try to give them, and I'll throw them away. My baby has only just started making marks with crayons on paper and I was so proud! My niece makes awesome drawings. But yeah I'm thinking I'll be able to be pretty honest/blunt about my kid's art. I don't know that I'll end up burying something she gave me at the bottom of the trash when she's not looking... we don't keep track of anything anyway... we throw away greeting cards from people.... I'm hoping she won't even develop the expectation that I would do anything in particular with a piece of art she gave me. I made a freaking awesome macrame purse for my mom when I was in high school, and I think I just found it sitting in her closet years later. She never used it - I don't think it was big enough for her. I've carried it myself a few times.
- When I want a bite of my kid's food, I lie and tell her I have to check to make sure it's not poisonous. It seems like the kid would be smart enough to question that - what if it is, mom? Then you would be poisoned? Better me than you, kid, is what she'd probably say. I don't see myself doing this one, either. I don't think I'd need to lie about it - I mean, I'm having trouble imagining a scenario where my kid has food and I don't.
- Speaking of lies, sometimes I lie and say I have stomach upset just to get a few minutes to myself. Especially when I get a new People magazine. i call it FIBS (fake irritable bowel syndrome). I love getting time to myself, but again I don't think I'd lie like that -- I don't want my kid to lie about feeling bad to get out of activities, so I shouldn't either. Also, the boy who cried wolf. I would just say I need to be by myself right now.... or I need a nap.
- I've practically given up on finding the kids' nails when I cut them. I do a half-assed search and hope the vacuum cleaner gets the rest, even if I'm not vacuuming for two weeks. Or more. GASP! Not vacuuming for two weeks or MORE!? How very rebellious.... what's even the point of finding the nails? I didn't know people tried to clean those up... or I just cut them over the trashcan... I mean, but yeah I don't even think about it I just try to get the nails clipped, that's hard enough.
- Whenever we watch a Disney movie, I call it movie night and turn out the lights so the kids won't see me cry. Again, the hiding! Why don't you want your kids to know Disney movies make you cry? I'm not the type of person that predictably cries during any certain type of movie, but if I did, and my kids noticed and said something, I'd talk with them about it.
- I'm so bad at geography I'm already worried about when my kids take it in school and they discover that I don't know where all the states are in the United States. Oh, yes, this is totally me too. I'm very ashamed of my geog-noramus-ity.
- Back when I nursed if I had a glass of wine I secretly hoped it would make my son sleep better. Oh, I'm much worse on this one - I pretty much drank without restraint and without regard for baby feeding times when I breastfed... and I didn't pump! And yeah, I hoped anything would make my baby sleep better!!
- In the supermarket I hand my kids random items to occupy them (like a package of straws or a jar of sprinkles) and then I leave those items all over the store when they get bored and I have to give them something new. This would only be bad if the kids damaged the items. Otherwise it's a great idea! I can think of much worse - for example, allowing your kids to run amok in the supermarket, having a screaming match with or spanking your child in the supermarket, driving away from the supermarket without your child...
- When I find a Cheerio on the ground at home, if I don't have pockets or a trash can, I just eat it. Provided it's not mushy or covered in fuzz. Or one of those small, hard ones that was once in someone's mouth. Eh, I'm worse -- I'd feed the Cheerio to my child. Oneself eating a Cheerio off the floor really has very little to do with parenting... or it doesn't have to, unless it is a symptom of a broader approach towards germs, cleanliness, health, and hygiene, but from the sound of it, she's actually a pretty good role model there, not just indiscriminately eating off the floor - only under the circumstance of not having pockets or a trash can, AND having determined that it is not fuzzy, nor does it appear to have been previously in someone's mouth.
- Once there was a time I forgot to seat belt my baby daughter into her infant car seat and we drove five blocks before I realized it. I made it all the way home once before realizing I hadn't buckled my baby in... I've also driven my baby in a forward-facing car seat and her five-year-old cousin without any car seat or booster just so I could fit all three kids...
- Sometimes I suggest we play hide-and-seek just because I know I can go hide in my bed under the covers and it'll take forever for them to find me. Ha - yes, another great idea!
Going back and reading through my comments, I sound like I'm either criticizing her for being a bad mom, which is like, HELLO, the whole point of the list --- to prove that she's a "worse mom than you" (meaning me, since I'm reading it). Well, I guess it makes me feel EVEN BETTER to state MY REASONS why those things are bad. In some cases, I'm criticizing her for including something that's just not really bad at all, OR I'm one-upping her, demonstrating that her thesis is INCORRECT, because she is most certainly NOT a worse mom than I am. In any case, I want to make sure that anyone reading this knows that I very much like Karen Alpert, I enjoy reading her writing, AND I'm extremely jealous of her blogging and authoring success.
This chapter is one of many examples of what seems to be a modern trend to self-deprecate; to dismantle the perfect mother image that seems to live in everyone's subconscious, nourished by the various influences of the cultural upbringing; to boldly announce what in earlier times would certainly remain very painstakingly hidden: Parenting is REALLY REALLY hard! And gross! And annoying! XYZ HAPPENS!
This chapter is one of many examples of what seems to be a modern trend to self-deprecate; to dismantle the perfect mother image that seems to live in everyone's subconscious, nourished by the various influences of the cultural upbringing; to boldly announce what in earlier times would certainly remain very painstakingly hidden: Parenting is REALLY REALLY hard! And gross! And annoying! XYZ HAPPENS!
As a result, lots of mothers can take comfort in knowing they are not alone. They can feel connected as part of a larger community of mothers sharing in the same struggles. They can share their own stories and find mom friends that "get" them. They can form a meetup group and arrange playdates for moms to drink wine and have "worst mother" competitions.
I personally spent quite some time reading about pregnancy and childbirth on Reddit while I was pregnant. It was a great comfort to me that I could pretty much find a thread addressing whatever concern or question I had just by searching r/BabyBumps.
Sometimes, though, on Facebook, there is a certain kind of humble-brag that I see from moms and dads alike that is very annoying. I'm going to create a separate post on self-deprecation and Facebook, and address this there.
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