Finger Puppets

I want to make finger puppets of ourselves from like printing photos and cutting out so I'm looking up instructions for making finger puppets and I just do the search and open up all the tabs and go through and I'm just starting to feel ANXIETY about WHEN is Sylvia gonna wake up and when she does I'm not gonna be present because I don't have my mind together I need to just MEDITATE UGH!!!

After skimming through a few tabs, I'm just like OKAY, print and cut the photos and then attach them to whatever way you want to put it on your finger - those rainbow loom bands they could just be taped to those for Chrissake

And there's also this template I found http://www.kidenglish.net/upfile/201601/2016012678230273.pdf

I can print those and then just glue photo faces over the faces

I am have too much

And I don't know I don't KNOW I never KNOW but I THINK maybe, no, that's not right...

I need to record my thoughts and I type very fast. I love to hand write on paper but I have way too much to say and I also have way too many notebooks! I just need to get shit out of my head there's so much I feel like I wanna do like but I just don't even wanna do it I need to decide WHAT to do and plan WHEN to do it it seems simple but it's soooo not. I really actually like to create lists of things. I search. I read, I collect search terms, and then I search, scroll, and collect compile categorize lists of interesting things. Things to check out. But it's just too much. I need a time limit. Everything in balance. Also I judge myself is it good is it bad it makes me feel good? I buy too many things on Amazon.

I want to get control of my days ... I want to decide things I want to do with Sylvia and be proactive and not just reactive when she starts whining from needing attention. And there are so many cool things but I can't do them until I'm ALL THE WAY ORGANIZED. And then my husband gets in the way. I'm trying to have a better relationship with him and I really just feel desperate for time to myself all the time. I just want to get through the time with other people so I can get back to my phone and internet things.

I got prescribed Wellbutrin and just started my first dose today so now I am on Adderall 30mg XR, Zoloft 200mg, and Wellbutrin 150. I also have a large collection of supplements and I've been taking Inositol, Magnesium Citrate, DHA, Inulin and a Probiotic daily, and Vitamin D3 5,000iu every other day.

My daughter is 2 and yesterday it just seemed like suddenly she's so TALL and I started to feel sad. Sometimes I feel like I'm just always going to have these billions of ideas in my head but the time will just go away and I'll actually just make it roll out of my reach even as I am thinking, I am doing this to myself, and then all my meds will help me soothe my disappointment because it's all okay and nothing matters. I really do love my vitamins. They work for me. I take others occasionally too. I feel like in this pandemic that is one way to keep things exciting. I don't know. I had a conversation with my husband last night that was like good-bad-good-bad. I HAVE to really honestly feel love and respect for him. IT's so hard when you live with someone and they irritate the shit out of you. We're having good days and bad. Mostly good. But sometimes REALLY bad.

I don't even know how to put into words the thoughts I'm having, just to myself in writing!!

I want to send Sylvia back to school but I also don't, because I don't know! And it's crazy that we HUGGED LouLou for her birthday during the pandemic. It just feels so weird. Cause I see articles about how the virus spreads so quickly and easily, and there was a news story about a guy who hugged some people in his family at a dinner before a funeral, and then they got infected and one person died. But everything is so fucked! I just scroll through r/coronavirus and I save articles. Skim and save.

I collect activities I wanna do with Sylvia. I just fart away the time. I feel great right now - I was definitely excited to get on Wellbutrin. I have heard about it for years, and I always think I'm bad for taking so many pills and I shame shame shame myself for everything I do that helps me feel good. It could be worse. I don't do heroin. But I have drunk too much more than a few times. Not recently though. UGH I want to get out of this space where I'm constantly evaluating myself on goody two shoes scales, god. If you feel good, great! Feel good and get out of your head. Do things. I also just don't want to do anything without extensively researching because the internet is so fun and I can always find really delightful things that no one else will find because they don't love to just search. Well maybe some people do? I'm probably not the only one that's like me. I just wanna be weird. Also I don't like other people. I like quarantine because I just hate socializing and making arrangements. Sometimes I just need to shut myself up because half of what I say I want to retract because no, I didn't mean that. Everything AND the opposite. That's what I am. But like, that's a PRIVILEGE to get to be that way. WHY CAN'T I JUST FOCUS ON SOMETHING SPECIFIC ONE THING AT A TIME AND WRITE A COHERENT THOUGHT?

Stuff About Me

I like to organize things to where they fit well and look pleasing, but rarely does my organizational activity serve my tactical day to day.

Relatedly, I buy things that I never end up using.

I avoid making decisions because I am afraid of responsibility for the consequences.

I avoid making decisions because I hate to eliminate other possibilities.

I avoid making decisions because I hate to disappoint.

I love to start things and brainstorm ideas but I hate figuring out logistics and details.

I believe that I will never be well-prepared for any situation no matter the circumstance.

I don't believe that I will ever be able to finish preparing for anything.

I am an un-finisher.

I want to think I am not a perfectionist, but I am. It's why I never make decisions and never finish things.

I am usually paralyzed by overwhelm.

I like to "work" on things, which usually means doing google searches to help me collect a zillion ideas onto a list and never stop making ever more lists.

I always just want to be alone. If I can just have enough alone time, then I can be prepared for my job and life when I have to be around people. But I know it doesn't really work that way. But sometimes I think the right balance exists and it's just really hard to achieve.

I skin-pick compulsively the inside of my right thumb knuckle. Sometimes I can't will myself to do anything else but that.

Once when I was on a bout of organizing, I spent more than 11 hours trying unsuccessfully to untangle a necklace chain.

ADD I AM ADD

https://www.healthcentral.com/article/adhd-and-indecisiveness

The following are tips to help you become more decisive:

Categorize your decisions. When faced with a decision, decide if it is a small, medium, or large decision. Small decisions usually don’t have large consequences, and these are ones you should be able to make quickly, without too much analysis. Deciding what type of decision it is gives you an idea of how much thought and worry you should put into making it. You can ask yourself, “Will this matter in five minutes, five days, five months, or five years from now?” The answer might help you decide the category in which to put your decision.

Give yourself a time limit for making decisions. This becomes easier if you categorize them as in the previous tip. For small decisions, limit yourself to a few minutes and add to the time for larger decisions. Set a timer or put the deadline on your calendar. If you haven’t made a decision in that time, it might be helpful to talk it over with someone.

...Talk it over with WHOM?

Think about what scares you about making decisions. Is it concern that you will make the wrong decision? If so, consider what will happen. Will it be consequential or a small inconvenience? Use this information to help you decide if a decision can be made quickly. Are you concerned about whether others will judge you? Consider whether their opinion is important in your life; if so, talk to them about the decision. If not, go ahead and make it. If you overcome your fear, your decision will be easier.

what scares me about making decisions is eliminating other choices

Give yourself credit for the decisions you do make. If you are always telling yourself, “I am not a good decision-maker,” think about the hundreds of decisions you successfully make each week: What should I wear? What route should I take to work? What movie should I see? Where should I go for lunch? Pat yourself on the back for making decisions every day and rephrase your thought to: “I make decisions all the time. I can make decisions.”

I make decisions all the time. I can make decisions.

Get treated for ADHD. For some people with ADHD, treatment, including medication, helps ease the decision-making process. When ADHD symptoms are better managed and you aren’t quite so distracted or overwhelmed, decisions are easier.

Gather information. Before assessing your options, gather all pertinent information. Keep in mind that you can’t make a decision until you have all the information.

Really? ALLL the information? I don't think so. This can be taken way too far.

Make a pro-and-con chart. Look at what the potential benefits and costs of each decision are. Not every decision is going to offer the perfect choice, but you can look at which option has the best outcome.

Trust your instinct. If you keep coming back to one answer, or if one choice jumps out at you as the best choice, trust that it is the right choice to make, at least for now.

Remember that most choices are reversible. If you decide to take a job and it turns out not to be a good fit, you can look for another one. If you choose to move to an apartment and don’t like the noise from outside, you can find another one and not renew the lease. Most decisions can be adjusted, modified, or reversed.

Not really reversible, but each new decision is informed by prior decisions

https://www.healthcentral.com/article/10-coping-mechanisms-for-thriving-with-adult-adhd

8. Break down all tasks into steps. Adults with ADHD are often overwhelmed with large projects and tasks. Many times, this causes the project to go unfinished and, in some cases, never even started. Instead of looking at the project as one complete task, look at it in steps. For example, if you are going to clean your house, make it a system: first, make the beds; second, straighten the living room; third, dust and vacuum. Don't worry about any steps other than the one you are currently working on.

Self-Deprecation

I don't have to scroll very far down my Facebook feed to find a post that is self-deprecating. For our first example, we have a self-deprecating parenting post:

In this post, the first sentence states the event of a 7 year old child expressing affinity for two particular music groups - System of a Down and Papa Roach. Following that information is a question that could be read as rhetorical, sarcastic, inviting judgment, or fishing for compliments - "We're doing ok with this parenting thing, right?!" Below is a parenthetical disclaimer: "(For the record, they were radio-friendly lyrics only.)" Based on the disclaimer, I interpret the second sentence as sarcastic, and meant as a dig on their parenting.  If a 7 year old is into those two hard rock bands from the 2000s, it isn't likely that he heard about them from his school friends. So his familiarity with the music in the first place, it can be assumed, is owing to his parents exposing him to it. The next assumption is that this music, to most discerning adults (or parents who are doing "ok" or better), is not appropriate for children.

Self-defense/coping mechanism

Responses to self-deprecating humor --- the "awwww"

https://www.themuse.com/advice/just-call-me-mother-of-the-year-a-closer-look-at-selfdeprecation - By making light of my experience as a career-loving parent, am I silently consenting to a culture that still requires mothers with careers to, at the very least, publicly display a little guilt?

https://www.theodysseyonline.com/we-are-living-in-the-age-of-self-deprecation -So we started to laugh at ourselves, and it worked to generally create a funny, and somewhat relatable conversation. It spread to more well known people, and the internet began to boom with self deprecating humor, which became a sort of social status marker.

https://www.marketsmiths.com/2018/master-self-deprecation-brand-voice/ - "hip, humble" - poking fun at yourself - like in my curtain speech at the black history program - endearing - a strong, consistent, and unexpected brand voice can step in to disarm reluctant consumers of all age groups. One that doesn’t boast, that doesn’t take itself too seriously, and that certainly doesn’t mind having some fun at its own expense.

Worst Mom

"Why I'm a worse mom than you" is a chapter from the book I Heart My Little A-Holes: A bunch of holy-crap moments no one ever told you about parenting by Mom-blogger Karen Alpert, aka "Baby Sideburns." It's one of the books I'm reading on Kindle Unlimited. I feel inspired to comment on this chapter, which is a list of "Fifteen things I do as a mom that will make you feel better about yourself:" (my commentary in italics)

1. If the kids spill a little milk and I'm too lazy to get a paper towel, I wipe it up with my sleeve. Or my foot if I'm wearing a sock. Me too, and not just for milk. Of course, there is our dog who takes care of most things, but I also want to add that I often wipe my baby's milk-dribbled face with my hand.
2. Sometimes when I don't know where a toy goes, I just throw it away. Especially doll clothes. We have a lot of naked dolls in our house. I definitely do this with random things I find in our house... 
3. Speaking of naked, sometimes I take pictures of my kids' tiny tushies because I know I'm going to miss them one day. If someone were to open up iPhoto on my computer, I'd be arrested for pedophilia. I can't say I've done this, but yeah the current climate is so weird about naked baby photos. It seems like it was much more unquestioned in the past. It's also the title of an early Ben Folds Five album.
4. Last week I accidentally left the baby gate open and found my toddler standing at the top of the stairs just staring down them. I think he was there for about forty seconds before I showed up. OMG he could have tumbled down the stairs. I'm pretty sure my nephew has fallen down the stairs before. He's fine. Our stairs are blocked by a door that just has a cat door. We have to keep it closed so our dog won't go up there and eat cat shit from the litterbox.
5. Sometimes when my daughter's not looking I bury her artwork at the bottom of the trash can. Especially when she's like "Here, Mommy, it's a snake," and I'm like no it's not, it's an F'ing line. Kids at school will give me coloring sheets they have colored, and I have started telling them I can't take them. Sometimes they still try to give them, and I'll throw them away. My baby has only just started making marks with crayons on paper and I was so proud! My niece makes awesome drawings. But yeah I'm thinking I'll be able to be pretty honest/blunt about my kid's art. I don't know that I'll end up burying something she gave me at the bottom of the trash when she's not looking... we don't keep track of anything anyway... we throw away greeting cards from people.... I'm hoping she won't even develop the expectation that I would do anything in particular with a piece of art she gave me. I made a freaking awesome macrame purse for my mom when I was in high school, and I think I just found it sitting in her closet years later. She never used it - I don't think it was big enough for her. I've carried it myself a few times. 
6. When I want a bite of my kid's food, I lie and tell her I have to check to make sure it's not poisonous. It seems like the kid would be smart enough to question that - what if it is, mom? Then you would be poisoned? Better me than you, kid, is what she'd probably say. I don't see myself doing this one, either. I don't think I'd need to lie about it - I mean, I'm having trouble imagining a scenario where my kid has food and I don't.
7. Speaking of lies, sometimes I lie and say I have stomach upset just to get a few minutes to myself. Especially when I get a new People magazine. i call it FIBS (fake irritable bowel syndrome). I love getting time to myself, but again I don't think I'd lie like that -- I don't want my kid to lie about feeling bad to get out of activities, so I shouldn't either. Also, the boy who cried wolf. I would just say I need to be by myself right now.... or I need a nap.
8. I've practically given up on finding the kids' nails when I cut them. I do a half-assed search and hope the vacuum cleaner gets the rest, even if I'm not vacuuming for two weeks. Or more. GASP! Not vacuuming for two weeks or MORE!? How very rebellious.... what's even the point of finding the nails? I didn't know people tried to clean those up... or I just cut them over the trashcan... I mean, but yeah I don't even think about it I just try to get the nails clipped, that's hard enough.
9. Whenever we watch a Disney movie, I call it movie night and turn out the lights so the kids won't see me cry. Again, the hiding! Why don't you want your kids to know Disney movies make you cry? I'm not the type of person that predictably cries during any certain type of movie, but if I did, and my kids noticed and said something, I'd talk with them about it.
10. I'm so bad at geography I'm already worried about when my kids take it in school and they discover that I don't know where all the states are in the United States. Oh, yes, this is totally me too. I'm very ashamed of my geog-noramus-ity.
11. Back when I nursed if I had a glass of wine I secretly hoped it would make my son sleep better. Oh, I'm much worse on this one - I pretty much drank without restraint and without regard for baby feeding times when I breastfed... and I didn't pump! And yeah, I hoped anything would make my baby sleep better!!
12. In the supermarket I hand my kids random items to occupy them (like a package of straws or a jar of sprinkles) and then I leave those items all over the store when they get bored and I have to give them something new. This would only be bad if the kids damaged the items. Otherwise it's a great idea! I can think of much worse - for example, allowing your kids to run amok in the supermarket, having a screaming match with or spanking your child in the supermarket, driving away from the supermarket without your child...
13. When I find a Cheerio on the ground at home, if I don't have pockets or a trash can, I just eat it. Provided it's not mushy or covered in fuzz. Or one of those small, hard ones that was once in someone's mouth. Eh, I'm worse -- I'd feed the Cheerio to my child. Oneself eating a Cheerio off the floor really has very little to do with parenting... or it doesn't have to, unless it is a symptom of a broader approach towards germs, cleanliness, health, and hygiene, but from the sound of it, she's actually a pretty good role model there, not just indiscriminately eating off the floor - only under the circumstance of not having pockets or a trash can, AND having determined that it is not fuzzy, nor does it appear to have been previously in someone's mouth. 
14. Once there was a time I forgot to seat belt my baby daughter into her infant car seat and we drove five blocks before I realized it. I made it all the way home once before realizing I hadn't buckled my baby in... I've also driven my baby in a forward-facing car seat and her five-year-old cousin without any car seat or booster just so I could fit all three kids...
15. Sometimes I suggest we play hide-and-seek just because I know I can go hide in my bed under the covers and it'll take forever for them to find me. Ha - yes, another great idea!

Going back and reading through my comments, I sound like I'm either criticizing her for being a bad mom, which is like, HELLO, the whole point of the list --- to prove that she's a "worse mom than you" (meaning me, since I'm reading it). Well, I guess it makes me feel EVEN BETTER to state MY REASONS why those things are bad. In some cases, I'm criticizing her for including something that's just not really bad at all, OR I'm one-upping her, demonstrating that her thesis is INCORRECT, because she is most certainly NOT a worse mom than I am. In any case, I want to make sure that anyone reading this knows that I very much like Karen Alpert, I enjoy reading her writing, AND I'm extremely jealous of her blogging and authoring success.

This chapter is one of many examples of what seems to be a modern trend to self-deprecate; to dismantle the perfect mother image that seems to live in everyone's subconscious, nourished by the various influences of the cultural upbringing; to boldly announce what in earlier times would certainly remain very painstakingly hidden: Parenting is REALLY REALLY hard! And gross! And annoying! XYZ HAPPENS! 

As a result, lots of mothers can take comfort in knowing they are not alone. They can feel connected as part of a larger community of mothers sharing in the same struggles. They can share their own stories and find mom friends that "get" them. They can form a meetup group and arrange playdates for moms to drink wine and have "worst mother" competitions.

I personally spent quite some time reading about pregnancy and childbirth on Reddit while I was pregnant. It was a great comfort to me that I could pretty much find a thread addressing whatever concern or question I had just by searching r/BabyBumps. 

Sometimes, though, on Facebook, there is a certain kind of humble-brag that I see from moms and dads alike that is very annoying. I'm going to create a separate post on self-deprecation and Facebook, and address this there.

I Love Sherbet

I rarely like recommendations, and never appreciate unsolicited ones. My hobby is creating lists and accumulating items on those lists. Sometimes I get a chance to watch a movie or show, listen to some music, or read a book. If I'm by myself, I'm definitely not going to use that time to watch something I heard someone else talking about. If you start plugging something to me that you watched and liked, I may become annoyed.

Most people are very self-absorbed; few are aware and even fewer are willing to admit it. Me.